I’d like to start by saying I really appreciate any and everybody who takes the time to read my work whatever it is – novel, blog posts, reviews, etc. I see it as someone doing me a favor, for it is not their obligation, and that makes me that much more appreciative.
I was so excited about being presented on Writer’s Infusion. I’ve watched many episodes online, and although I’ve never clicked on a link and read the notes provided, I have been a fan – until now. Here are my concerns.
- Susan makes the remark that she believes my story is a romance. I also noticed the look she gave when she said it. Being a former private investigator, I am skilled in body language. It’s very useful when trying to determine if someone is lying or attempting to be deceitful or manipulative. Susan was aware that was she was saying was quite misleading. It was done with a purpose. We’ll discuss later.
But moving on…. She believes? She wasn’t sure? I find it hard to believe that while preparing for this taping she didn’t verify what genre she would be reading. In my submission form, I specifically stated it’s a romantic suspense – the suspense part conveniently left off by her.
- When she read the summary, she only read the opening sentence. The summary I submitted stated that the story was about a US Marshal who falls in love with the former love of a man he’d put into witness protection. When the bad guys target her, he has to figure out a way to protect her without revealing his past connection to her ex-boyfriend (which would be illegal).
I can’t help but to wonder why she made a point to withhold this pertinent information. I do have a theory, but let’s revisit that, too, later. Note: I still have all 20 emails we’ve exchanged since I first submitted (including the submission form) if anyone would like me to verify this.
The critiquers had many questions. I’d like to address them here.
Someone said they couldn’t tell who the witness was. Others agreed that they couldn’t figure it out either.
Here’s a recap:
Opening sentence:
Usually, this sort of thing went a lot smoother. We’d go in, get the witness, and get out. But this was no ordinary situation. David had a way of getting himself into the worst possible predicaments, so as far as I knew the woman in the bed could’ve been working with the people trying to kill him; which was why I’d instructed him to give her the sleeping pill I’d slid under the door. I found it difficult to believe that the guys we were protecting David from had just coincidentally wound up in Harborview and checked into the same hotel.
Answer: David’s the witness. Also, if the woman was the witness, wouldn’t the bad guy be after her, not David? Also, Alex wouldn’t have been as familiar with David as he was, and Alex definitely wouldn’t be taking David out and leaving the woman behind and under the influence of a sleeping pill. What sense would that make?
Someone also states they couldn’t tell what was going on, whether or not he was in witness protection.
Recap:
I wouldn’t even go there and risk revealing David’s true identity, even though he seemed to have no qualms about it. Somebody had to be responsible; and since I was the one with the badge, it had to be me.
US Marshal Alexander Girard.
Hmmm. A man who’s using a fake identity and is being retrieved by a US Marshal (and for those of you who are not aware, the US Marshal’s service handles the witness protection program. I know because I know, plus I verified when I called them while doing my research. It’s also easy enough to find out on the web.) Sounds like he’s in witness protection to me. But for those who may have missed it, I outright say it later in the chapter.
Why did they feel the need to knock the woman out?
Recap:
so as far as I knew the woman in the bed could’ve been working with the people trying to kill him; which was why I’d instructed him to give her the sleeping pill I’d slid under the door.
In this statement, Alex explained why. Is it really that hard to comprehend? If so, here’s an explanation: If the woman is, in fact, working with the mob, putting her to sleep eliminates her chances of signaling/assisting the bad guys.
Dave makes a point to say I used too many pronouns, and that he couldn’t figure out who I was talking about. I believe his statement was something along the lines of “who is she? Who is he? And then he goes on to read part of a paragraph in a failed attempt to prove his point.
Recap:
Usually, this sort of thing went a lot smoother. We’d go in, get the witness, and get out. But this was no ordinary situation. David had a way of getting himself into the worst possible predicaments, so as far as I knew the woman in the bed could’ve been working with the people trying to kill him; which was why I’d instructed him to give her the sleeping pill I’d slid under the door. I found it difficult to believe that the guys we were protecting David from had just coincidentally wound up in Harborview and checked into the same hotel. Sure, the city drew in a lot of tourists with its white-sand beaches and fou-fou restaurants; but, as a vacation destination for mobsters? I thought not. The situation was so suspect I could taste the deceit. But then again, with David’s rotten ass luck coincidence definitely had been a possibility.
It’d already been made clear that there were only 3 people in the room – Alex (identified as the US Marshal), David (identified as the witness) and a mysterious woman in the bed. But, no one knew who “she” was?
I don’t know about you guys, but considering Dave’s role as critiquer, his inability to comprehend that “she” is in reference to the ONLY woman in the room is quite disturbing. And it’s more disturbing that everyone else agreed with him and tried to make me look like a joke. I can’t help but to laugh. It is quite funny. But for different reasons than they think.
Why did Alex have to go in and get David? Why couldn’t David just come out by himself?
Recap:
I found it difficult to believe that the guys we were protecting David from had just coincidentally wound up in Harborview and checked into the same hotel. Sure, the city drew in a lot of tourists with its white-sand beaches and fou-fou restaurants; but, as a vacation destination for mobsters? I thought not. The situation was so suspect I could taste the deceit.
Answer: The mobsters are in the hotel, as clearly stated above. Attempting to exit on his own would’ve made David more vulnerable to being captured and killed. Alex went in to get him so he could cover (protect him) on their way out.
What would’ve happened if the woman woke up?
Again, Alex stated that he wasn’t aware of who the woman was and as far as he knew she could’ve been working with the men trying to kill David. If that had been the case, what do you think would’ve happened if she woke up while David was making his exit?
The critiquers complained that they never heard David talk – in the first 5 pages, mind you.
My question to Jen or Susan or whomever stated this is what should they have talked about while they were trying to make sure not to arouse the sleeping woman in the bed? The weather, perhaps? Or better yet, maybe I should’ve had them discuss their plans, so you know, in case she was only pretending to still be sleeping she could overhear them. Would that have been better and made more sense than them not having conversation at all, but instead just gathering David’s things and leaving?
Also, I’d like you all reading this blog post to note that I submitted the first 4 full chapters, a 4- page synopsis, and a full blurb. It was clear what was going on. The critiquers chose to ignore it so they could move forward with this sham of a critique.
I will give them this, though.
I did make one mistake that Jen pointed out. I said Ollie would erase the cameras. Later on in the chapter, I state that the hotel security hadn’t realized that what they’d been watching on their cameras had been a carefully orchestrated loop.
I do need to correct the part where I said Ollie would erase the cameras. Nice catch Jen. At least, I believe you’re the one who mentioned it.
But the remark about me mentioning Ollie and you not hearing anything else about him? You guys read 5 pages. How many characters should I have introduced in the first 5 pages?
And as far as Wil goes (I really don’t care that you don’t like his name with one “L” and that’s really an idiotic thing to complain about in a critique – the spelling of the name. You are quite arrogant, aren’t you?) I did hint there was someone else in the mix. Here’s a recap:
we were protecting David from
Also, why would it really be a surprise that a US Marshal had backup somewhere when trying to recover a witness? Do you really think it’s that big of stretch to where I had to outright say it?
Now, we’re at later (remember I said I would revisit my theory on why Susan made it a point to withhold pertinent info?)
What sells and gets almost as much attention as sex? Negativity.
I don’t expect anyone to like everything I write. We cannot please everyone – it would be foolish to try. All we can do is put our best foot forward and write the story we wish to tell. Although, I pride myself on being an optimist, I didn’t start this venture into writing with delusions of grandeur that it would be unheard of for someone to give a negative review. There have been books I reviewed that I found outstanding and I couldn’t imagine anyone finding any real fault with them – none worthy of mentioning anyway. But, it has indeed happened. Books I’ve given rave reviews have gotten negative reviews from others. Also, books I couldn’t even finish (because I was just that unhappy with the writing, storyline, etc.) have gotten excellent reviews from others. We all have different tastes, and I respect that.
What I don’t respect is someone using my hard work to further their agenda. I find it unprofessional, unethical, and very disheartening.
All I can say is I’m up for a good, honest critique from someone who actually pays attention when reading. And I do strongly suggest you pay attention, otherwise you may wind up looking like a foolish, arrogant, pompous ass…I was saying… (and no, Writer’s Infusion, that is not a typo).
This is a romantic suspense – with a whole lot of mystery. What kind of suspense/mystery would it be if I revealed everything in the first 5 pages? Would readers actually appreciate me treating them like they aren’t capable of following along and picking up clues and hints and piecing things together themselves? The Writer’s Critique gang made a point to say a lot of what is in chapter one is unnecessary. Anyone who’s read the synopsis would know that is not true. A lot of things that unfold througout the story will bring readers back to chapter one. I won’t do a spoiler alert here, as I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who plans to read it when it comes out. And it will be coming out.
Bottom line, I sent Susan the full synopsis, but there is no proof anyone actually read it, so I’ll move on.
All I can say is if you are the type of person who is incapable of following along and who expects an author to point out everything to you, highlight and underline it, and constantly remind you of what’s going on, then my work is not for you.